I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
what day is it and did you see me today?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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