Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You have to summon your inner elephant
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
