I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
