I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
