Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
