this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
