I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
