Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
