so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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