Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
