It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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