Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Farmville is her only friend.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
