apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
