it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
