I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
