You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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