are you still at the devil's house?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
