I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
