When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
