just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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