well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
