So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
