I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Randomize
