we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize