i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
