I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
