if i can run in heels then i can drive
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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