Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
