I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
