i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize