my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
So. Much. Porn.
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