This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
True strength comes from lack of pants
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize