What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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