True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
foreskin is a definite game changer
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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