and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
