ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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