He had one of those small greek statue penises
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
