I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
