I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
