How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
