so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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