dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. Itβs the Marine Corps way
Randomize
