I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My bed smells like the plague
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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