I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
