I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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