my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He? As in you personified your dick?
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