I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
