So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
