Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
