I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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