My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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