Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
