i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
