Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
