I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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