it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
