Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
