You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
