So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
