After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
