I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize