Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
