i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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