So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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