I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
