so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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