??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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