There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
