I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize