dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize