So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
